my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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