I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
