You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
40s are totally the cure
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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