My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
