Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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