i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
