Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Blood and glitter go together right?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
