grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
