My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
