my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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