and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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