All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
