We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize