bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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