You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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