remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
