I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
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