Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
