I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
