No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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