hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i will never coherently bang her
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize