So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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