My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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