I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Randomize
