Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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