Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
