Just fell off a train. Bad.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize