i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
