Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
