theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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