All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
