I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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