if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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