Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
