when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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