remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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