Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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