as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
