smell my finger.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
