i would punch a child for taco bell
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
