I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
