I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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