I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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