A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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