you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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