My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
