nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
