Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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