??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Can't talk, ducks in the car
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
