She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
