worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Welp...herpes.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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