me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
