How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
