There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You took a bar mat shot.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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