remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
