you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
