So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
